Remember the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie gets dumped by a post-it note on her computer? The new equivalent: getting dumped by a text message.
I was dumped via a text message. By a guy I've been seeing "exclusively" for more than 2 years. This is the same guy I dubbed Steeler Fan in an earlier post. Do we think there is a problem here? After the last month of "taking a break" and my angst of trying to date, trying to remain friends with him, and trying to maintain my sanity - its over. Its done and I am relieved.
Girls - don't ever try to remain friends with someone who is trying to figure out his life, who tells you that you are free to date, but at the same time says he doesn't want to see other people and doesn't have time to see other people. RUN - in the opposite direction - to preserve your own sanity.
These dating books that tell you to put yourself first - DO IT. Guys have been doing it for years. I finally did it this morning with Steeler Fan. I took control, and it felt as if the world has been lifted off of my shoulders.
As I said to my BFF: "I am back". And boy does it feel good!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
make new friends, but keep the old...
One is silver and the other gold. Again, memories. Suffice it to say that old tune was the theme of my day yesterday - one of the most fun days I've had in quite some time. My house was full of old and new friends and it was just great to hang out with everyone. More details at another time.
ON THE OTHER HAND....RUN FROM THESE 'FRIENDS' AS FAST AS YOU CAN:
The first word in this blog's title is dating, and it SUCKS. Just saying. I confess - I've got a profile on match.com It hasn't been too successful quite honestly, and I don't know why. Maybe I need a more casual photo.
The guy I met today told me that I am much prettier in person than in my pics. *nice* However, he wouldn't stop touching me. It was kind of creepy. We met at Starbucks - a safe, open place with other people around. If the guy learned more than 3 things about me in an hour +, it would be miraculous.
I am however, the priveledged recipient of the following knowledge: he hates America and the way we care for our elders, he cannot afford the $3K/month to care for his 93 year old mother in a nursing home, I have no busines buying the BMW convertible I've been lusting after for two years (that I WILL buy) because they are impractical in this climate, he broke his arm when he was 13 and it made him ambidexterous, he hates managing people (gee, ya think?), he is amazing at what he does, he only pursues women with whom he feels a very, very strong 'connection', and he doesn't like to plan anything in advance - he does things on his schedule. And this guy seemed NORMAL in his profile.
NOW - had I been able to get a word in edgewise, I might have had some kind of connection. No, probably not. Actually, no, definitely not. My first reaction was that he lied about being 5'7". I am 5'5" and easily as tall, if not taller than he. After my divorce I create a rule: NO SHORT GUYS. My height minimum requirement for a date is 5'10" and I prefer taller than that. No more Napolean complexes for me, baby. If he shot down one more thing I said I was going to loose my temper. No matter what it was, he had a correction, improvement or could top my statement. Mostly corrections. I cannot believe he told me not to get the car I've been lusting after for years. He just met me! What the f*ck does he know about what I've been thru, done, etc. to want to reward myself with that car?
The audacity of it all. This evening he sent an email asking if I was simply cautious or just not into him, and he asked me to be honest. I can at least give him that - no game playing. I do admire that. However, there isn't too much else I admire about him. He is very impressed with himself. I truly spoke about 15-20% of the words that were spoken in the conversation. No wonder he had a great time - he likes to hear himself speak.
In the meantime....I've got Soccer Dad frantically searching for a hotel at the beach for July 4th weekend. You know what? I don't want to go. It's going to be tough to tell him I don't want to go. But quite simply - I think today I discovered that I am not ready. That horrid experience with Napolean this afternoon left me almost ready to call Steeler Fan in tears and beg him to cancel this 'taking a break' bullsh*t. And if something that *simple* can cause those types of thoughts - when I know SF is NOT the right guy for me - then I realize I am not ready for a whole lot right now.
Maybe there is something to celibacy after all. I told Best Girl Friend that I was going to buy a variety of vibrators and pretend that they are different sexual experiences. Then I won't have to deal with all of this dating stuff. Dating is more work than a relationship. And vibrators will let you talk ALL YOU WANT.
ON THE OTHER HAND....RUN FROM THESE 'FRIENDS' AS FAST AS YOU CAN:
The first word in this blog's title is dating, and it SUCKS. Just saying. I confess - I've got a profile on match.com It hasn't been too successful quite honestly, and I don't know why. Maybe I need a more casual photo.
The guy I met today told me that I am much prettier in person than in my pics. *nice* However, he wouldn't stop touching me. It was kind of creepy. We met at Starbucks - a safe, open place with other people around. If the guy learned more than 3 things about me in an hour +, it would be miraculous.
I am however, the priveledged recipient of the following knowledge: he hates America and the way we care for our elders, he cannot afford the $3K/month to care for his 93 year old mother in a nursing home, I have no busines buying the BMW convertible I've been lusting after for two years (that I WILL buy) because they are impractical in this climate, he broke his arm when he was 13 and it made him ambidexterous, he hates managing people (gee, ya think?), he is amazing at what he does, he only pursues women with whom he feels a very, very strong 'connection', and he doesn't like to plan anything in advance - he does things on his schedule. And this guy seemed NORMAL in his profile.
NOW - had I been able to get a word in edgewise, I might have had some kind of connection. No, probably not. Actually, no, definitely not. My first reaction was that he lied about being 5'7". I am 5'5" and easily as tall, if not taller than he. After my divorce I create a rule: NO SHORT GUYS. My height minimum requirement for a date is 5'10" and I prefer taller than that. No more Napolean complexes for me, baby. If he shot down one more thing I said I was going to loose my temper. No matter what it was, he had a correction, improvement or could top my statement. Mostly corrections. I cannot believe he told me not to get the car I've been lusting after for years. He just met me! What the f*ck does he know about what I've been thru, done, etc. to want to reward myself with that car?
The audacity of it all. This evening he sent an email asking if I was simply cautious or just not into him, and he asked me to be honest. I can at least give him that - no game playing. I do admire that. However, there isn't too much else I admire about him. He is very impressed with himself. I truly spoke about 15-20% of the words that were spoken in the conversation. No wonder he had a great time - he likes to hear himself speak.
In the meantime....I've got Soccer Dad frantically searching for a hotel at the beach for July 4th weekend. You know what? I don't want to go. It's going to be tough to tell him I don't want to go. But quite simply - I think today I discovered that I am not ready. That horrid experience with Napolean this afternoon left me almost ready to call Steeler Fan in tears and beg him to cancel this 'taking a break' bullsh*t. And if something that *simple* can cause those types of thoughts - when I know SF is NOT the right guy for me - then I realize I am not ready for a whole lot right now.
Maybe there is something to celibacy after all. I told Best Girl Friend that I was going to buy a variety of vibrators and pretend that they are different sexual experiences. Then I won't have to deal with all of this dating stuff. Dating is more work than a relationship. And vibrators will let you talk ALL YOU WANT.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Weekend update....HA! If that doesn't bring back memories.
It's actually not even the weekend, but I do have plans for tonight! I am going to a girlfriend's house to scrapbook. Don't laugh. For us, scrapbooking involves copious amounts of wine, fun food and good conversation. Fortunately or unfortunately Black Lab Guy is sure to come up as subject matter, as this friend's husband is the guy who emailed BLG and told him he'd better be good to me. We shall see what he has to say for himself. And why would BLG not ask me out for this weeekend? I don't get it. Oh well....let it go.
Soccer Dad called this afternoon and has been searching for hotels for the 4th of July weekend. I kind of forgot I'd said ok to that. Hey, I've known him for years and years and think that we would really have fun together...so why am I still wishing it was BLG who wanted to take me to the beach for the weekend?
Further developments...gorgeous guy from the fitness singles site and I exchanged about 10 emails before he emailed me his phone number and said to call him. Turns out he road bike races and is doing the 6 Gap ride in September. It is an incredibly difficult ride. Also turns out he is ranked 2nd in points in the state of FL for 45+ road racers. Trouble is - he is basically nearly unemployed - he renovates bathrooms for a living, and the market for such work is very slow now, with the economy and the housing market in the tank. And, he sounds like a redneck when he speaks. I can deal with a sexy southern drawl (like X-box Guy's when he's had a couple of cocktails) but not an uneducated sounding redneck drawl. He wasn't very articulate nor was he a skilled conversationalist. So, he's off of the 'potentials' list. He did ask if he could get in touch with me closer to the time of the 6 Gap. I said yes, as it could be fun to see the finish or even a couple of stages of the race. However....no potential LT material there. Too bad, I bet he's in great shape with all of the biking he does.
That's about all for now. Gotta shower, I walked the dog a little while ago and am a sweaty mess. TTYS...
It's actually not even the weekend, but I do have plans for tonight! I am going to a girlfriend's house to scrapbook. Don't laugh. For us, scrapbooking involves copious amounts of wine, fun food and good conversation. Fortunately or unfortunately Black Lab Guy is sure to come up as subject matter, as this friend's husband is the guy who emailed BLG and told him he'd better be good to me. We shall see what he has to say for himself. And why would BLG not ask me out for this weeekend? I don't get it. Oh well....let it go.
Soccer Dad called this afternoon and has been searching for hotels for the 4th of July weekend. I kind of forgot I'd said ok to that. Hey, I've known him for years and years and think that we would really have fun together...so why am I still wishing it was BLG who wanted to take me to the beach for the weekend?
Further developments...gorgeous guy from the fitness singles site and I exchanged about 10 emails before he emailed me his phone number and said to call him. Turns out he road bike races and is doing the 6 Gap ride in September. It is an incredibly difficult ride. Also turns out he is ranked 2nd in points in the state of FL for 45+ road racers. Trouble is - he is basically nearly unemployed - he renovates bathrooms for a living, and the market for such work is very slow now, with the economy and the housing market in the tank. And, he sounds like a redneck when he speaks. I can deal with a sexy southern drawl (like X-box Guy's when he's had a couple of cocktails) but not an uneducated sounding redneck drawl. He wasn't very articulate nor was he a skilled conversationalist. So, he's off of the 'potentials' list. He did ask if he could get in touch with me closer to the time of the 6 Gap. I said yes, as it could be fun to see the finish or even a couple of stages of the race. However....no potential LT material there. Too bad, I bet he's in great shape with all of the biking he does.
That's about all for now. Gotta shower, I walked the dog a little while ago and am a sweaty mess. TTYS...
TGIF Indeed
Its been kind of a wild week around here. I had a great date Monday night. I'll call him Black Lab Guy - due to his dog. Dinner, hanging out...it was all good. He called Tuesday afternoon to tell me a mutual friend had emailed him and told him he'd better treat me right - thanks, Dr. J!! It's nice to know your friends have your back. I really like this guy. He is newly divorced even though his wife has been moved out and gone for 3+ years. He wants to date others but said he'd sleep only with me. I don't understand guys.
Tuesday night was awesome. I went w/a guy friend (Soccer Dad) on a long walk by the river. We picked up sandwiches at a pizza place, put them and a bottle of wine in my backpack and took my dog on a great walk by the river. I love the water. It was such a peaceful evening. I feel like I can talk to this guy about anything and everything...except my dating life. There are some sparks between us, but I think he feels them more than I do. He wants us to go to the beach for a weekend together. I know we would have a great time together, but hesitate in doing so because I don't want him to get the idea that I am ready for a relationship with him. We talked about the demise of my recent relationship with the Steeler Fan. A lot. He told me that I need to quit beating myself up about it. He's right, but I feel so, so...I really don't know what I feel. I miss him so much, yet I hate what I put up with from him. And I hate that I allowed him to talk to me the way he did. And I hate being alone. My life felt more full with him in it. We were constantly making plans to do fun things and there is this ... void. A really big void that I cannot seem to fill. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Not that the piece is - him. Just a piece of me is gone.
Wednesday and Thurday nights I went out with girlfriends. Both nights were a lot of fun. Tonight is Friday and I've got no plans. That is difficult. It is hard to not call Steelers Fan as we've gone to the movies on Friday nights for years. I'd really like to call Black Lab Guy, but all of the dating without drama rules say that I cannot. I need to let him reach out to me. He is kind of shy, but hell - he's going out of town next week and so am I, so I'd really like to see him before we both go out of town. It will be mid July before I have a weekend without kids again...
The on line thing is still so new to me and its kind of odd. I am told by some that there are lots of really old photos posted and that people aren't truthful. If this is the case - WHY BOTHER? When you finally meet face to face its going to be revealed that you lied, posted old pics, whatever. Geez.
This morning I got an email from a guy who is gorgeous in his photos! I mean movie star good looks. He is from the fitness singles site. They are the best looking of all of the dating sites. This guy didn't fill in most of his profile. Nothing about a job, etc. and he lives about 5 hours away. He is probably an unemployed actor or something.
I am supposed to meet with a guy from match.com on Sunday. We got along well on the phone and he actually used the word 'inexplicable' correctly in a sentence and spelled it correctly - big bonus points. God what has my social life come to?
This post is rambling on without a point so I think I am going to hit publish and go from there.
Tuesday night was awesome. I went w/a guy friend (Soccer Dad) on a long walk by the river. We picked up sandwiches at a pizza place, put them and a bottle of wine in my backpack and took my dog on a great walk by the river. I love the water. It was such a peaceful evening. I feel like I can talk to this guy about anything and everything...except my dating life. There are some sparks between us, but I think he feels them more than I do. He wants us to go to the beach for a weekend together. I know we would have a great time together, but hesitate in doing so because I don't want him to get the idea that I am ready for a relationship with him. We talked about the demise of my recent relationship with the Steeler Fan. A lot. He told me that I need to quit beating myself up about it. He's right, but I feel so, so...I really don't know what I feel. I miss him so much, yet I hate what I put up with from him. And I hate that I allowed him to talk to me the way he did. And I hate being alone. My life felt more full with him in it. We were constantly making plans to do fun things and there is this ... void. A really big void that I cannot seem to fill. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Not that the piece is - him. Just a piece of me is gone.
Wednesday and Thurday nights I went out with girlfriends. Both nights were a lot of fun. Tonight is Friday and I've got no plans. That is difficult. It is hard to not call Steelers Fan as we've gone to the movies on Friday nights for years. I'd really like to call Black Lab Guy, but all of the dating without drama rules say that I cannot. I need to let him reach out to me. He is kind of shy, but hell - he's going out of town next week and so am I, so I'd really like to see him before we both go out of town. It will be mid July before I have a weekend without kids again...
The on line thing is still so new to me and its kind of odd. I am told by some that there are lots of really old photos posted and that people aren't truthful. If this is the case - WHY BOTHER? When you finally meet face to face its going to be revealed that you lied, posted old pics, whatever. Geez.
This morning I got an email from a guy who is gorgeous in his photos! I mean movie star good looks. He is from the fitness singles site. They are the best looking of all of the dating sites. This guy didn't fill in most of his profile. Nothing about a job, etc. and he lives about 5 hours away. He is probably an unemployed actor or something.
I am supposed to meet with a guy from match.com on Sunday. We got along well on the phone and he actually used the word 'inexplicable' correctly in a sentence and spelled it correctly - big bonus points. God what has my social life come to?
This post is rambling on without a point so I think I am going to hit publish and go from there.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
first post....
First post...it sounds so...intimidating. This blog is being started to share my experiences with others, and hopefully to link up with some like-minded women (and men, if they blog about dating, kids, dogs, etc.!) so that I can learn from them.
About 5 years ago my marriage started to fall apart. I am not going to delve into the reasons here, but suffice it to say that at first I clung to what ended up being a bad relationship, just to have a relationship. I'd like to think I learned a lesson from that - but guess that I have to learn things the hard way, as I just ended a relationship that I knew (for a little while) wasn't right, but held onto for too long because quite frankly, I really liked the guy most of the time, and the sex was great. At first the relationship was great - exciting, fun, he made me laugh so hard my stomach would ache, we liked - no loved - so many of the same things. We were very compatible in many ways.
So, to a newly divorced woman, he seemed, and he was, a great guy. For a long time he was a great guy. Then the cracks began - he had a very short fuse. He was never physically abusive, but he would yell - not at me - at traffic, at stupid things - and he dropped the f bomb regularly. Now, I have been known to drop it myself...but not like he did. It peppers his regular speech. I've always told my kids that there are appropriate times to use most any word, and that even sometimes the f bomb can be effectively dramatic and emphasize a point. But to use it liberally is just offensive. I should have clued in to this...but love is sometimes blind, deaf and dumb.
He was and is emotionally closed up tightly. He could rarely say "I love you" unless it was said to him first. He could say it to his dog all the time - and when I asked him why he could easily tell the dog he loved her, but not say it to me - his response was (again why didn't I really LISTEN?) "The dog isn't going anywhere." I wasn't planning on going anywhere either, but in the end I wasn't given that choice.
He incessantly teased me about my past relationships. He nicknamed all of the guys I had dated prior to dating him exclusively. The younger, cute guy he named X-box Guy, because of his youth; the first guy I dated after my marriage ended was dubbed Rebound Guy. I should have picked up on his insecurity, well I actually did pick up on it - but chose to ignore it and deemed it that he just wanted reassurance that he was the guy I wanted to be with. And I did my best to let him know he was the one, but in the end he chose not to be the one and drove me away with his insecurity, his impatience and his controlling, dominant attitude.
Most of all, in the end it was his complete and total lack of empathy that ended it. Sadly, he doesn't recognize this as an issue. When I was telling him about a situation that tore at my heart - his response was to "just don't go there if you don't like it". The sitation was seeing a child that was sick, and the memories it elicted in my heart. "Just don't go there." How could I not give this child a hug and be there to see him? His parents are my friends, he is friends with my son, how could I just take the easy way out and not be there? Why was it wrong to have emotions about seeing this child? Why couldn't he just say, "Gosh, that must have been difficult." Am I expecting too much?
About 5 years ago my marriage started to fall apart. I am not going to delve into the reasons here, but suffice it to say that at first I clung to what ended up being a bad relationship, just to have a relationship. I'd like to think I learned a lesson from that - but guess that I have to learn things the hard way, as I just ended a relationship that I knew (for a little while) wasn't right, but held onto for too long because quite frankly, I really liked the guy most of the time, and the sex was great. At first the relationship was great - exciting, fun, he made me laugh so hard my stomach would ache, we liked - no loved - so many of the same things. We were very compatible in many ways.
So, to a newly divorced woman, he seemed, and he was, a great guy. For a long time he was a great guy. Then the cracks began - he had a very short fuse. He was never physically abusive, but he would yell - not at me - at traffic, at stupid things - and he dropped the f bomb regularly. Now, I have been known to drop it myself...but not like he did. It peppers his regular speech. I've always told my kids that there are appropriate times to use most any word, and that even sometimes the f bomb can be effectively dramatic and emphasize a point. But to use it liberally is just offensive. I should have clued in to this...but love is sometimes blind, deaf and dumb.
He was and is emotionally closed up tightly. He could rarely say "I love you" unless it was said to him first. He could say it to his dog all the time - and when I asked him why he could easily tell the dog he loved her, but not say it to me - his response was (again why didn't I really LISTEN?) "The dog isn't going anywhere." I wasn't planning on going anywhere either, but in the end I wasn't given that choice.
He incessantly teased me about my past relationships. He nicknamed all of the guys I had dated prior to dating him exclusively. The younger, cute guy he named X-box Guy, because of his youth; the first guy I dated after my marriage ended was dubbed Rebound Guy. I should have picked up on his insecurity, well I actually did pick up on it - but chose to ignore it and deemed it that he just wanted reassurance that he was the guy I wanted to be with. And I did my best to let him know he was the one, but in the end he chose not to be the one and drove me away with his insecurity, his impatience and his controlling, dominant attitude.
Most of all, in the end it was his complete and total lack of empathy that ended it. Sadly, he doesn't recognize this as an issue. When I was telling him about a situation that tore at my heart - his response was to "just don't go there if you don't like it". The sitation was seeing a child that was sick, and the memories it elicted in my heart. "Just don't go there." How could I not give this child a hug and be there to see him? His parents are my friends, he is friends with my son, how could I just take the easy way out and not be there? Why was it wrong to have emotions about seeing this child? Why couldn't he just say, "Gosh, that must have been difficult." Am I expecting too much?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
